Date 8- Stale Toast

Its Easter evening, and Vanilla insists on seeing me before I leave for a trip to Texas with my family. I will be fully off the internet dating radar for about 10 days, so I am tying up loose ends with current flings before I go. It seems that romances flame and fizzle quickly in this brave new world, so I am unsure what to expect of the current team of candidates. I am nesting at home, so invite him to come over and watch while I ready my apartment for a parental deluge. There isn't a bar in the neighborhood that I find quite so charming as my apartment, or offers as thoughtful and unique a wine selection.

He shows up at my door, orchid in one hand, air mattress in the other (my parents will be staying in my bed while they visit, I will happily be on the couch. I tried to dissuade him from bringing the mattress but he insists)- boyfriend applicant! He is 39 so perhaps that explains his behavior; he could be a one woman man looking for love in the worst possible place, and stumbled into me. Sober conversation is a bit stilted and dry, but we open a bottle of wine and sally forth. As the refreshing white wine flows, he starts talking about his complicated family issues, and reveals too much. Such a fine line in dating- you want to open up, share vulnerabilities and talk about what is important to you, but you can't reveal too much too soon. You can't seek a shoulder to cry on during the second date, and certainly can't discuss wanting to have your stepmother charged with your father's murder. He also seems to have a tremendous number of health issues- blood pressure, back pain, no end to this young man's woes. As I recognized the first night I met him, he is a sugar substitute for the poison I desperately want to ingest. I find the entire experience to be wholly unsatisfying, and wonder how long before I unintentionally kill the orchid.

DATE 8- SACCHERINE HANGOVER

FLAVOR PROFILE- Excessively floral, watery, with a tendency to overshare.

DATING TIP- A girl has to take your calls when you forcefully loan her an air mattress. SMART THINKING.